Dreams

My college running dreams unrealized I no longer viewed running as something that could get me things, friends, and take me places.

I had come to believe that running elevated me, my ego and my status. Running had gotten me a scholarship, free Nike running gear, cool trips, and recovery and training facilities and even like-minded friends and teammates. All of these things didn’t make me happier though, and as easily as they came, they were stripped away… as the injuries piled on, one after another, and the pressure of fitting a certain unattainable mold brought anxiety and depression.

No one person or even the sport was to blame, although I do believe simply having resources available for mental and physical recovery is simply not enough. Athlete’s mental and physical well-being must be considered from the step they become a part of the team. Active prevention of both the mental and physical toll college athletics can play on an athlete must be a part of the program. I hope programs will strive to prevent these tolls in the future, and I truly believe only this care will elevate athletes to perform at their highest ability.

Letting go of expectations, and simply running again for myself was such a game changer. I fell in love with running again. I began to appreciate how my body could carry me, and the burn in my chest and tired legs after I pushed a little harder. I signed up for races again, running a half marathon for the first time, then many more half marathons, with lots of 5k’s in between. I’ve heard that one cannot ever fully recover disordered eating. Since food is an inherent part of life, controlling habits or getting caught up in obsessive and restrictive thought patterns will always be there surrounding food, even if one makes improvements in their thought patterns and behaviors. However, my disordered eating was fueled by such anxiety and depression about not being good enough for running at a high level, once I let go of that unrealized college dream everything changed for me. I no longer was attached to my body being a certain way in order to either punish myself for not “making it” or because I thought being thin was the key to running certain times. I realized my body had run fast times at a heavier weight, and that I was hurting my body by not fueling it and may actually not be able to run injury free or at all if I kept up this pattern.

For years I was content to make small improvements in my running. I ran 5k’s, without tapering, and tacked on long cool downs. I improved every half marathon I ran, mostly by cumulative training and slight bumps in mileage and intensity. I was part of running clubs in Albany, GA (Good Life City Runners) and Tallahassee (Gulf Winds Track Club) and had so many friends and so much fun at these races and group runs. I truly fell in love with the sport again and was doing it on my own terms, for myself.  

However, soon I felt it wasn’t enough. I wanted to run a fast marathon. I wanted larger improvements in other events. I felt I had gotten into a good mental and physical place, and again this was something I’d still be doing for myself, without outside pressure. I began to increase mileage to 60 miles, a number that had haunted me from my college days. I ran my first 20 miler. Then I decided to get a coach, and train for shorter events and ultimately a marathon. I began to see massive improvements when adding threshold repeat workouts, and long runs with threshold miles thrown in. I also was able to increase mileage even more. The training was hard, but I never felt it was too much, and I was good at prioritizing health by eating enough and a wide variety of healthy foods, as well as getting good sleep and some time for myself to recharge. I really fell in love with the process, the incremental gains and slightly harder training each training cycle, as well as the results, which was PR after PR from the mile and even lately (although I left my coach in the middle of the training cycle) the marathon.

I’d be lying if having to leave my coach for personal reasons hasn’t taken a toll on me and giving me some anxiety. After coaches, namely male, not going well in college I vowed that I was not going to be coached again, especially by a male. However, the success of this coach was very appealing to me, and I really was unsure how to train for the marathon and did not want to line up for one until I felt I’d put in the necessary work for a solid result.

Coaching myself, I now have the pressure of being the coach and the athlete. The great thing about a coach is that they view your training through an objective lens. I am great at being objective in situations outside myself, in which I do not have a strong emotional attachment to. Of course, this is so hard with my own running because emotions about results, how I’m feeling, while wanting to push-push-push and turn off the brain and largely turn off logical objective thinking are what make me a great runner. I care. I put in the work and dig deep at the end of hard workouts and races. Taking a step back and making a plan for myself that is challenging enough, but that won’t sideline me is very difficult. I think it will take good results, and overall time to trust myself again with my training. I have so much data from the last year and a half on myself of what works. I have the half marathon largely down, the progression and key workouts and the taper. The marathon is something I feel like I haven’t quite figured out yet. I feel like making some changes to this training in the future compared to what I’ve done in the past will be key to maximizing my potential in this distance. Therefore, I am excited to make these changes, which involve more time on feet and more speedwork, to my marathon training.

I have been listening to so many podcasts and reading so many books and looking at so many training plans my head is beginning to swim. It’s a fun process, a new challenge, and I’m fortunate to have so many resources at my fingertips. I also am really feeling like myself, a hard thing to describe… Am I glowing? I think it’s hard to realize you have toxic people in your lives and that you’d be better off without them. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I’m in charge of my destiny, not anyone else. I must prioritize my own health, both mental and physical. Quitting a team, losing a coach, losing friends, doesn’t have to send me spiraling into self-isolation and unhealthy habits or mean giving up on my dreams. The paths that no longer served me and my running doesn’t mean it’s the end of my journey. I can forge a new path, a path that’s best for me.